The Fancy Feet of Farmer Fred Ficklefart

 

     "Well, I'm hardly a farmer," remarks Fred, bounding over the dew speckled hills, "nor would I wish to be one. I do often fancy planting a small field of leak, perhaps on the south-facing slope opposite the kitchen. That would be sweet, my own leaks. I like leaks."

Bella Cadmium, or "John Titanium, the Woman with Two Feet"

 

     Bella is pictured below taking a short break and having a snack - she had been busy all morning showing people in the street her genitals and had a sudden craving for pickled fruits. It is believed that prunes are her favourite, followed closely by apricots and then cranberries. The type of vinegar used to preserve them is not important - Bella is a fussy eater, but as long as it's sour, she's not bothered.

Cheerful Mister H.B. Cadmium, Walking Softly to the Store

 

     They call Mr. Cadmium the "dull pencil", and why? Because there's no point to him? Ha, no - it's not that. He tends to squeak as he walks and his footmarks are rather smudgy.

     His mother calls him "son" for similar reasons, though she calls most people son (save her daughter Bella, whom she refers to as "her sister's son, John L. Titanium").

     Young H.B. is pictured below taking his feathers to the local shop to have them oiled and re-calibrated. They are somewhat of a family heirloom, having been plucked from an old pillow they found in a skip near Colchester.

 

 

Two Friends on a Fine Afternoon

 

 

 Somnambulism and Mister Penrose Smith

 

     Penrose prides himself on his active lifestyle - besides being a full-time dairy farmer (he grows dairies in a small field near Limerick), he skips rope on a professional level and teaches an evening class at the local community centre. His series of lectures, "Intestinal Flora - Gardening with Limited Space" is quite popular and his students often win prizes at the farmer's market each autumn.

     He also enjoys walking in his sleep, which he claims helps keep his weight down and it also lets him enjoy a perpetual state of drowsiness and muscular discomfort. "I'm always on the go, it's a nightmare. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was tucked up in me mums gut."

     Restraints and locked doors have not helped, as Smith is also keen on "sleep knot-untying" and "sleep door-unlocking".

 

Who is That Handsome Fellow? Pray, Do Tell!

 

     As one enters the main hall and steps into the corridor on one's left, one will find, hanging above the dark oaken wainscoting, a most striking oil portrait. The subject is male, his age perhaps a few years mature of five and thirty, and his finely shaped face and intelligent eyes gives one the feeling that one is gazing on a past member of the nobility, or perhaps a man of science or medicine.

     Though the subject is now sadly unknown, the artist's name is celebrated still - it is of course the work of Q. Cumber Sannich, a noted dandy of society in the early Victorian period. Like most of his portraits, this one is believed to have been painted in the dark while Morris dancing.

 

Oil portrait by Q. Cumber Sannich, subject unknown

 

Slap Jack! The Romantic Fiction of Buncle J. Pissbed

 

     One of Scotland's most prolific post-war writers, Buncle is perhaps best known for his romantic novels featuring love and intrigue, and in which games and pastimes play a large role. His first work, "Bingo Buddies" (1950), became a bestseller within weeks of it's publication and was followed by other well-known titles - "L-O-V-E, a Double Word Score" (1952), "Parcheesi Chums" (1955), "The Pawns of Love" (1957) and "I Lost at Pinochle but Won at Love" (1959).

     Pissbed would later release a string of folk albums, the most successful being "A Bridge Table over Troubled Waters" and his novel "Play With Me" was filmed in the 70s and starred Peter Sellers and Helen Mirren.

 

Buncle J. Pissebed doing research for his novel, "The Soaring Kites of Passion", 1963

 

 

When Lifting or Walking, Keep the Back Straight

 

Lester Ismorester lives in the forest, he adores the florist and they enjoy a sweet courtship.

 

 

Why Yes, That's Right - Lucius Rolls His Own, Dear 

 

     THERE'S A SECLUDED SPOT near the edge of Abbey's Prava, just skirting a clump of ancient elms and oaks, where Lucius P. Apeman has his evening movements. It's an easy enough place to find, as it tends to stimulate most of man's senses; the ears distinctly discern the hungry drone of bluebottles, the nose burns with the scent of Apeman's nightly convenience, and the skin feels clammy and damp in the high humidity of the abundant brown moisture.

     And too will the eyes clearly discover a most singular sight - discarded rolls of paper towelling, done-up to hold not paper towels, but toilet tissue. "Tis a man's rig, to be sure," grunts Lucius as he parades on all fours. "Perhaps those small sissy tubes will do for wenches and kiddies, but the hindquarters of a noble Apeman need something more substantial."

 

Lucius P. Apeman near Abbey's Prava 

 

 

Little Angie D'Angelo, Don't Run in the House!

 

     It was Thursday morning and before breakfast young Angie went tearing through the house like a young Angie possessed. She had found something in the front garden (she always took a short ramble before sitting down to her scrambled eggs, toast and jam), and she wanted to share her discovery with her household - she lived with her two unmarried sisters, Ella and Jocelyn and their cousin, Mitch. But what was this strange and startling object that filled her with such uncontained enthusiasm?

     It is pictured below, and believed to be a large question mark filled with low-grade helium. Her sisters and cousin where both quite impressed and Mitch took the following snapshot.

 





Nature's Barbecue - Eat a Heated Meat Treat

 

     Adam Sun (upper left) enjoys fishing and shining brightly, and is shown here having had perhaps a touch too much of himself. After a cool beer or two and he was fine, though - right as rain. His dining companions are Al Fresco (center) and Little Harry Nose (right), who met at school and remain firm friends. After diner they drank and talked quietly, and when Evaline Moon (not pictured) appeared some few hours later, they had a fourth and enjoyed a few lively rounds of whist.

 

 

An Evening's Sandwich and a Little TV

 

The day had been pleasant for Jimbolina Jassinjasser, pleasant yet quite productive. Before bed he enjoys a sandwich and a little tv. "Jolly good," he muses, "what?" 

 

What Did You Do This Summer...?

 

 

Lazy Mary, Will You Get Up?

 

Mary Niechomper - a very clammy and moist young woman, shown here enjoying a little nibble and a glass of Petite Sirah.