More Seasonal Cheer!
dinsdag 16 december 2014
A Spoonful of Spittle, a St. Horace Original
"WHO'S SPITTLE IT IS, is less important then the spoon you take it with", according to Doctor Smede of St. Horace near Upper Wychwood. "Any old mucus will do, as long as the spoon is first thoroughly cleansed and rendered germ-free and hygienic. Taken twice daily, it's certain to reduce stooping and constriction of the back, lower back and shoulders".
Pictured above is Pembrook Plumb (a patient of Dr. Smede) who is currently taking the spit cure for life-long stoop and slumping, shuffling gait.
"It works great," beams Plumb, "I've never stood straighter. And you know - I'm starting to really develop a taste for spittle. Now when I hear someone clearing their throat in the street, I actually start getting hungry."
woensdag 10 december 2014
The Ballad of
He loved a lass,
his Flamingo Rose
with her sick, skinny legs
and beak-like nose
With her soft pink hair,
like a summer's dawn
her putrid breath,
rancid eel and prawn
Now every eve
he goes to sea
crying, "Flamingo Rose!
Return to me!"
"Return to me,
I'll fricassee thee!
by John L. Blick,
noted poet and
dinsdag 9 december 2014
The Neat Little World of Hywel Rhys
YOUNG MISTER RHYS IS HAPPY - and what makes young mister Rhys so happy? Beer makes young mister Rhys so happy, as does his rather cheerful wave of "Hello!".
Being neat and tidy also makes young Hywel a happy chap. "One can never begin too early with tidying-up, you know," he confided in me once, "and the results are worth their weight in soap and feather dusters."
He's made it his habit to keep it all neat. He makes his bed while still lying in it, washes his plate while still eating ("take a bite and clean that portion, and you're done with the washing-up before you know it"), and his artistry during bowel movements is a thing of beauty. "Carefully wiping the crevice in a clock-wise direction after every inch or so - and at the end of it, you're left with practically no mess at all."
dinsdag 28 oktober 2014
Jim Green Can See
Jim Green (pictured here in sweater and slacks) is the celebrated author of "Chewing and Swallowing Food" and is now working on notes for his second volume, tentatively entitled "Avoid Malnutrition - Chewing and Swallowing More Food". "I'd have finished ages ago," he remarked in an interview given last winter, "but I needed new spectacles and my eye tests seem to take longer than they should."
vrijdag 10 oktober 2014
donderdag 9 oktober 2014
The Athletic Kid!
Real name: Penrose Sunshine
Powers: Some type of jagged, orange ray that he shoots
out of his finger;
runs the 10km in 47 minutes (pr)
out of his finger;
runs the 10km in 47 minutes (pr)
Weaknesses: Radon, knives,
Hobbies: Dancing, wrestling
Origin: Struck by radioactive lightning while getting run-over by a tanker carrying sports-drink, Penrose evoked the name
of Macadam (the ancient deity of fun-runs) and became...
The Athletic Kid!
The Athletic Kid!
woensdag 8 oktober 2014
Sandie El McHorowitz - The Man Who is Half Man, Half Nothing Else
THE RECURRING DREAM - while paging through the atlas on a chilly winter's eve, page 53 falls out and flutters to the floor. Stooping to retrieve it, I notice it depicts the main agricultural crops of the Baltic countries (sugar beets and onions seem to feature strongly).
On turning it over, I notice the other side is not from the atlas, but is an old school menu from 1983, detailing a week's meals for early October.
On turning it over, I notice the other side is not from the atlas, but is an old school menu from 1983, detailing a week's meals for early October.
Curious, I turn it over again - only to find this queer drawing depicting the track-and-field athlete Sandie El McHorowitz training for the Barcelona Olympics.
In my dream I then awaken and - still dreaming - I go to the shelf and take down the atlas. To my alarm, every page has been crudely removed save page 53. It is blank but for one cryptic message scrawled in red (blood?), written with a childish hand near the lower left corner.
It reads, "Hey, this ain't much of an atlas, is it? Why not go buy a new one, you dumbo?"
dinsdag 7 oktober 2014
Josef Heroic Calligraphy Takes an Active Holiday
Here's a little riddle for all my readers - what's long and thin, made out of meat and swings limply in the breeze?
Why, it's none other than Josef Heroic Calligraphy taking a well-earned week off at one of Ibiza's many top-notch resorts. Enjoying the sun, surf and a little swingin' nightlife, Calligraphy is pictured at right getting in some light activity before luncheon on the veranda.
"A short run on the swings sharpens my appetite. I'm planning on having the fried fish and some rice, maybe a little fresh fruit for afters. They do some really nice meatballs in tomato sauce too, might have a couple of those with some bread. Then I'm getting hammered on cocktails."
zondag 5 oktober 2014
How's Come You Smell So Damn Good, Donna?
HER FRAGRANCE IS AT ONCE NUTTY and sweet, with a hint of vanilla and a dash of lemon zest. To breath deeply of Donna is to experience an olfactory cleansing - a good, healthy whiff and the nose undergoes a nasal calibration. All odours, and memories of odours, must be redefined in relation to her remarkable scent.
Truly, if you enjoy sniffing stuff, you owe it your nose to give her nooks and crannies the once-over.
vrijdag 3 oktober 2014
Lovely Horace - The World's Wet (and quivering) With Anticipation
THE GALS ALL GO CRAZY 'BOUT Horace. Literally crazy - one young woman from Guilford developed congestion of the brain after stepping out with the dashing young man for an evening at the pictures; another sad girl was confined to her bed during the spring of 19- , with manic fits of self-abuse, interspersed with bouts of thick oral frothing.
But Horace takes it all in his stride. "There's bound to be a belle for this beau out there somewhere. They can't all be mentally defective. Maybe I should stop poisoning their soda when they go to powder their noses. But it's fun, you know?"
donderdag 2 oktober 2014
How the Moon Spent the Night With Jacque
Pale shafts of lunar light
in gilded hues, they paint the night
a Whippoorwill cries, a cricket chirps
Jacque sips a beer, he waves, he burps
"Hallo moon," Jacque toasts the sky,
his lips still moist with pilsner pleasant,
"Hello you," the moon replied and
"Beer me, bitch!" laughed the crescent
(sounds of many beers being
opened and enjoyed)
The night was wild, rowdy, fun,
then hazy dawn, the rising sun
it's glare intense on field and clover
"Turn out that light," says the moon...
I'm too hung-over!"
woensdag 1 oktober 2014
Jimmy Jimaroo - Electrical Fantasies Under a Hunter's Moon
J. JIMAROO CHUCKLED AS HE FLEW over the rooftops and the elms in their autumn finery. "15 meters? That's too long, man! It'll tangle." That's what the salesman at the hardware had told him. "Why not try our 2.5 model? It's our biggest seller. No one really needs an extension chord any longer."
But Jimaroo would not be put off. With disgust he left the shop and called in at the store on the other side of town. Again he met with reservations from the assistant when he asked for a 15 meter cord. "Why, that's monstrous!" said the clerk with a start, but eventually Jimaroo was sold his length of electrical insulated wiring.
"Fine," the attendant had ultimately sighed, with surrender creeping into his voice. "Fine, take it. Suit yourself."
And Jimaroo did, and was self-suited.
dinsdag 30 september 2014
That Real Great, Super Cool Guy - Percy Spimple
IF HE'S NOT CRUISING FOR CHICKS, he's just hangin' or checkin' in with his peeps on maybe, like, Facebook or whatever. It doesn't matter, he's just pretty cool, you know?
"I don't know how I got to be so great, I was just born like that," Percy explains while taking a sip of Red Bull. "Which is funny, 'cause my parents are way un-cool. But me, I'm hip and all that, like 24/7. I mean, duh, you do the math. 24/7= 3.43 (rounding up), so that's like loads of being cool."
zondag 28 september 2014
Cliff Sulphuric Acid - How to Draw Nice Bubble Gum Pictures
IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE 1900's, the world of art and illustration was delighted with the publication of C. Sulphuric Acid's 3 page book, "How to Draw Nice Bubble Gum Pictures". This step-by-step guide taught the beginning artist all the tricks of the trade and was lavishly illustrated with 2 full-colour examples. Now sadly out of print, it is well worth hunting down in second hand book stores and flea markets.
The well-known comic book artist Saul T. Shaker said of the book, "I've never heard of it, but it sounds ok. Maybe a tad on the thin side, but might be neat to page through it sometime."
"Sunny Brand Gum" by Cliff Sulphuric Acid
dinsdag 23 september 2014
Knock, Knock - Who's There?
CLIFF WAS GROWING A LITTLE IMPATIENT. He drew quickly on his cigarette and with a puff of smoke said, "Try again, and knock a little louder. You said to come over for coffee at noon, and it's already ten past."
"Sorry about this," replied Hoffman, his knuckles rapping sharply on the cottage door. "I know I said noon, and I could have sworn I was home. Perhaps I'm busy in the back garden. The carrots are coming up and I was going to have them for supper."
The sound of his knocking faded into the still autumn sunshine and beyond the door was nothing but silence. A crow sounded down the lane, Cliff cleared his throat and dashed his cigarette to the ground. "This is rum of you, to be sure. Invite a chum over and leave him on the doorstep. Yes, rum of you indeed."
Hoffman turned and smiled weakly. "I'm sure I'll turn up presently. Why not I tell you a joke while we wait. You'll see - the time will fly by and soon I'll be pouring you a mug of my best, with a cream custard and lemonade afterwards."
"Go on." Cliff loved a good joke.
"Knock-knock," began Hoffman.
"Who's there?" queried Cliff, his curiosity now highly aroused.
"Yoo-hoo, anybody home in there?"
And they laughed and laughed.
vrijdag 19 september 2014
Bernard and Colleen, With Sons Tit-Boy and Salami-John
BERNARD IS A RETIRED BED BUG, and now likes to spend his leisure time fly fishing. "I must be doing something wrong," he often complains, "I haven't caught a single fly yet." His wife Colleen likes to join him by the waterside, where she does nature studies in pencil and watercolour. She also offers her husband advice while fishing, such as, "Why not just quit already and let's go home?"
Their two sons, Tit-Boy and Salami-John are twins, and both are studying philosophy and music at Cambridge.
dinsdag 16 september 2014
Gaylord Pilmamount and Orbital Jelly
"THE THING ABOUT BREAKFAST at such altitudes," remarks Gaylord, nibbling thoughtfully at his toast, "is that you mustn't open a window until after you've finished your meal. Otherwise space dust might get in and spoil your preserves. I once chipped a tooth on an asteroid that settled on my marmalade and it was rather painful. There's a number of top-notch tooth-men on the moon of course, but still - it's best to let in the air between meals. An hour either side of luncheon works for me"
zaterdag 13 september 2014
Tucked Up Neatly - Deidre on the Divan
I SUPPOSE IT WAS nearly quarter past three when I scuttled into the parlour and noticed Deidre staring dreamily into the mesmeric glow of the reading lamp. She had eaten her book and was passing the time by slowly trying to damage her eyesight in the glare of the dancing flame.
"Oh, go up to bed!" I shouted. My harsh outburst was startling in the nocturnal solitude, but yelling was necessary, as Deidre had eaten her other book the previous evening and had spent the remainder of the night slowly damaging her hearing by sticking hatpins in her ears.
"What a woman", I remember thinking as I walloped her one and scuttled out again.
woensdag 27 augustus 2014
The Fancy Feet of Farmer Fred Ficklefart
"Well, I'm hardly a farmer," remarks Fred, bounding over the dew speckled hills, "nor would I wish to be one. I do often fancy planting a small field of leak, perhaps on the south-facing slope opposite the kitchen. That would be sweet, my own leaks. I like leaks."
donderdag 21 augustus 2014
Bella Cadmium, or "John Titanium, the Woman with Two Feet"
Bella is pictured below taking a short break and having a snack - she had been busy all morning showing people in the street her genitals and had a sudden craving for pickled fruits. It is believed that prunes are her favourite, followed closely by apricots and then cranberries. The type of vinegar used to preserve them is not important - Bella is a fussy eater, but as long as it's sour, she's not bothered.
woensdag 20 augustus 2014
Cheerful Mister H.B. Cadmium, Walking Softly to the Store
They call Mr. Cadmium the "dull pencil", and why? Because there's no point to him? Ha, no - it's not that. He tends to squeak as he walks and his footmarks are rather smudgy.
His mother calls him "son" for similar reasons, though she calls most people son (save her daughter Bella, whom she refers to as "her sister's son, John L. Titanium").
Young H.B. is pictured below taking his feathers to the local shop to have them oiled and re-calibrated. They are somewhat of a family heirloom, having been plucked from an old pillow they found in a skip near Colchester.
zaterdag 16 augustus 2014
Somnambulism and Mister Penrose Smith
Penrose prides himself on his active lifestyle - besides being a full-time dairy farmer (he grows dairies in a small field near Limerick), he skips rope on a professional level and teaches an evening class at the local community centre. His series of lectures, "Intestinal Flora - Gardening with Limited Space" is quite popular and his students often win prizes at the farmer's market each autumn.
He also enjoys walking in his sleep, which he claims helps keep his weight down and it also lets him enjoy a perpetual state of drowsiness and muscular discomfort. "I'm always on the go, it's a nightmare. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was tucked up in me mums gut."
Restraints and locked doors have not helped, as Smith is also keen on "sleep knot-untying" and "sleep door-unlocking".
vrijdag 15 augustus 2014
Who is That Handsome Fellow? Pray, Do Tell!
As one enters the main hall and steps into the corridor on one's left, one will find, hanging above the dark oaken wainscoting, a most striking oil portrait. The subject is male, his age perhaps a few years mature of five and thirty, and his finely shaped face and intelligent eyes gives one the feeling that one is gazing on a past member of the nobility, or perhaps a man of science or medicine.
Though the subject is now sadly unknown, the artist's name is celebrated still - it is of course the work of Q. Cumber Sannich, a noted dandy of society in the early Victorian period. Like most of his portraits, this one is believed to have been painted in the dark while Morris dancing.
Oil portrait by Q. Cumber Sannich, subject unknown
donderdag 14 augustus 2014
Slap Jack! The Romantic Fiction of Buncle J. Pissbed
One of Scotland's most prolific post-war writers, Buncle is perhaps best known for his romantic novels featuring love and intrigue, and in which games and pastimes play a large role. His first work, "Bingo Buddies" (1950), became a bestseller within weeks of it's publication and was followed by other well-known titles - "L-O-V-E, a Double Word Score" (1952), "Parcheesi Chums" (1955), "The Pawns of Love" (1957) and "I Lost at Pinochle but Won at Love" (1959).
Pissbed would later release a string of folk albums, the most successful being "A Bridge Table over Troubled Waters" and his novel "Play With Me" was filmed in the 70s and starred Peter Sellers and Helen Mirren.
Buncle J. Pissebed doing research for his novel, "The Soaring Kites of Passion", 1963
dinsdag 12 augustus 2014
vrijdag 8 augustus 2014
Why Yes, That's Right - Lucius Rolls His Own, Dear
THERE'S A SECLUDED SPOT near the edge of Abbey's Prava, just skirting a clump of ancient elms and oaks, where Lucius P. Apeman has his evening movements. It's an easy enough place to find, as it tends to stimulate most of man's senses; the ears distinctly discern the hungry drone of bluebottles, the nose burns with the scent of Apeman's nightly convenience, and the skin feels clammy and damp in the high humidity of the abundant brown moisture.
And too will the eyes clearly discover a most singular sight - discarded rolls of paper towelling, done-up to hold not paper towels, but toilet tissue. "Tis a man's rig, to be sure," grunts Lucius as he parades on all fours. "Perhaps those small sissy tubes will do for wenches and kiddies, but the hindquarters of a noble Apeman need something more substantial."
Lucius P. Apeman near Abbey's Prava
donderdag 7 augustus 2014
Little Angie D'Angelo, Don't Run in the House!
It was Thursday morning and before breakfast young Angie went tearing through the house like a young Angie possessed. She had found something in the front garden (she always took a short ramble before sitting down to her scrambled eggs, toast and jam), and she wanted to share her discovery with her household - she lived with her two unmarried sisters, Ella and Jocelyn and their cousin, Mitch. But what was this strange and startling object that filled her with such uncontained enthusiasm?
It is pictured below, and believed to be a large question mark filled with low-grade helium. Her sisters and cousin where both quite impressed and Mitch took the following snapshot.
dinsdag 5 augustus 2014
Nature's Barbecue - Eat a Heated Meat Treat
Adam Sun (upper left) enjoys fishing and shining brightly, and is shown here having had perhaps a touch too much of himself. After a cool beer or two and he was fine, though - right as rain. His dining companions are Al Fresco (center) and Little Harry Nose (right), who met at school and remain firm friends. After diner they drank and talked quietly, and when Evaline Moon (not pictured) appeared some few hours later, they had a fourth and enjoyed a few lively rounds of whist.
maandag 4 augustus 2014
vrijdag 1 augustus 2014
donderdag 31 juli 2014
Ham and Miss Saskia Winterthrope
The funny thing about ham - take a slice made from say a Gloucestershire Old Spot or perhaps from a Swallow Bellied Mangalitza, and the slices will just fall flat if you drop them from about waist height. But then a nice juicy piece made from either a Hampshire or a Chester White or even a Red Wattle - a piece of ham like that will flip over once before hitting the floor.
I learned this from Saskia Winterthorpe of Jolly's Bottom, Cornwall, who also showed me a rather curious parlour trick using a chicken filet, a tumbler of water and a shoelace.
woensdag 30 juli 2014
Star Shine and Moonlight and a Soft Caress
Ibrahim L. Igneous says one night, "I'm gonna comb me hair real good, I am. And then I'm gonna change me pants and put on me good trousers. Once that's more or less done, I'm gonna go up that pole and pet a head, if there's a head up there somewhere." And under a starlit heaven, as the sounds of crickets and night birds filled the summer twilight with a pleasant nocturnal melody, that is what he did.
He patted the head for fifteen minutes and then climbed back down, rather pleased with himself and ready to curl up in bed with a good book and perhaps a cheese sandwich.
dinsdag 29 juli 2014
zaterdag 26 juli 2014
Rain in Suburbia - How to Keep One's Things Dry?
Being an old-fashioned romantic, Sir Dougal Constipation enjoys long walks in the rain. To keep his tampons dry, he puts them in a small waterproof purse. "It makes good sense," he remarks, "and besides, it'd be stupid to lug around an empty purse in the rain."
vrijdag 25 juli 2014
The Active Dunce - Friday is Washday
And all about the village one could hear the sounds of domestic industry - the sweeping of steps, the scrubbing of stones, the clipping of hedges and the cutting of grass. The walkways being tidied, the windows being washed and the laundry being hung out to dry in the midmorning breeze. For Frankie Pimplebottom (below) the Friday is a most wonderful day, a day to clean and prepare his wardrobe for the coming weekend's active social obligations.
Pimplebottom enjoying a well deserved ale
donderdag 24 juli 2014
The Crackle of Energy, the Smell of Sulphur
Professor Ginger Bread Infinity is best remembered for having invented the year 1973, which he discovered in the winter of 1972. But his scientific career was marked by many other ingenious creations and innovative theories (most of which have been sadly overlooked by modern scientists).
His work on the Fohnhurst-Melbourne project, for example - a theory which states that "dog" is not the opposite of "cat" - was quite progressive at the time, as was his static-electric imagery of tube socks. Perhaps his most ambitious research was published in his pamphlet "Nuclear Precipitates and the Feather Duster - Practical Applications in the Fields of Fusion and Light Housekeeping".
Professor G. B. Infinity
woensdag 23 juli 2014
Come on Boy! I'll Race You Down to Willow Pond!
Ha, ha, ha - the joyous roughhousing of a young laddie and his canine comrade on a pleasant summer's morning. It is enough to fill one's heart with "ha, ha, ha's".
Upon reaching "Willow Pond" (the race was a tie, by the way - neck on neck at the finish line), the two had a small picnic and basked an hour in the sunshine, listening to the dull hum of the bumblebee and sharper whines of the mosquito and shit fly.
Insect life and waterside creatures abounded, and both child and doggie were soon utterly crawling with ticks and fresh water leaches. Their panic ridden screams were enough to fill one's heart with "ha, ha, ha's"... serves 'em right, the lounging little layabouts.
"A Run in the Summer - From Giant's Meadow to Willow Pond"
dinsdag 22 juli 2014
A Desert with Moderate Temperatures, Low Humidity and Mild Winds
A keen amateur meteorologist, Gilberto del Smythe is pictured here during the final stages of his exploratory march over the sands of the Pulacaca Plateau, near modern-day Swindon. He was keen - enduring days of hardship in this barren, sand-swept wasteland. He was an amateur - forgetting to bring any type of meteorological instrument. But he dressed sensibly, in a fine white linen suit and comfortable shoes.
zondag 20 juli 2014
Running with Food - Filmed for Your Pleasure
Here's a simple little cartoon I drew and thought I'd make a short film of it being inked. The film is sped-up considerably - in real time it took about thirty-two minutes to complete the figure, but that might be far too dull to watch.
I inked it on a piece of Canson Bristol paper, using Talons ink and a Winsor & Newton brush (Cotman series, 222, size "0" - it's a fairly cheap synthetic brush and I really like them).
Here's the finished picture:
And the little video (with some bluesy-ragtime tunes I made up last summer for fun):
zaterdag 19 juli 2014
Well then, let's hear you play, Lester Burton!
His first selection was "The Wheels on the Bus - Will They Never Stop?", quickly followed by a languid rendition of "Every Breath Mint You Take". Near dawn he left us, the strains of "He Ain't Heavy, but I Still Can't Lift Him" fading as dew before the sun on the soft summer morn.
Lester Burton in Kingston, Jamaica, 1934
vrijdag 18 juli 2014
How Do You Do..?
The past three years or so I've changed the way in which I make my drawings. I still draw with a pencil (a technical drawing pencil - handy not to have to sharpen it) and ink with a brush, but I've added a few extra steps, which have really helped to improve my work. I'm happier with it, in any event. I obviously have lots of room for more improvement - and practicing all the time is probably more the reason I'm happier with my work, of course - but there are a couple little things I've been doing that seem to help, too.
- When I draw, I'm always holding my paper up to the light and looking at the reverse. Like when I was a teenager and my art teacher told me to hold a picture up to the mirror. I found the mirror-thing a little distorted to be of much use, but perhaps I just didn't know what I was looking for. It's just amazing how the mistakes - poor proportions, slanting, crookedness -how obvious they can become when viewing a sketch in reverse.
- I correct what I see is wrong and finish the sketch. Well, almost - some things I'll leave, even though I know they're wrong. Things like a hand that's too big, but drawn perhaps nicely enough. Or a finished head that's not quite resting straight on the neck. Or that the entire figure is slanted to the left or right. For these large alterations, I use the computer.
- Scanning the sketch, the first thing I do is reverse it. Even more so than viewing the paper in reverse, seeing it mirrored on the computer screen seems to make mistakes even more obvious. And then things like reducing a hand or two, or straightening a head or figure - these things are very simple to remedy in your graphic program. And I learn from it, too, of course. I see what's wrong and how to fix it - and try not to make that mistake again. I often do repeat it, though, but gradually my sketches are improving.
- An example. Here is a sketch I've scanned, with the reverse to the right:
Looking at the mirror-image, I wasn't too displeased with the drawing. The fellow's head is a little off centre, maybe, and his eyes are a tad un-level. His one shoulder bothers me a bit. And for my taste, the head of the pike is too close to the man's body, the "5" on his sweatshirt is too near his knee and his rear leg is too close to his bum. These tangents, as they are called, make things look a little busy, they detract from the total image and form shapes/connections that were not intended. I also didn't like the speed-line behind him.
- Using Corel Photopaint I adjusted the sketch. I should have maybe fixed a hand too - they're not quite the same size, but I have actually just noticed it now (and in a week I'll probably see lots more I should have changed that I just don't notice now). Here is a Gif showing the changes:
I then print out the sketch, slightly bigger and in cyan, on Bristol paper and ink it with my brush. Scanning it in, I then colour it nice and simple and, for the fun, add a little "aging-effect":
In a day or two, I'd like to show another example, and perhaps talk about my ideas about colouring and even make a quick film of a cartoon being inked. Sounds like a grand time! Yes, just grand.